Updated: Dec 4, 2022
By Jessenia Nozzolillo
The old version of me could not fathom where any man had the extreme audacity to demand submissiveness from women. I myself had been submissive, because I was forced into it through generational wounds, trauma, and abuse. After more than a decade devoted to healing and self-mastery I could no longer imagine a reality that would lead me to ever choosing this kind of subservient behavior with a “healed” scope. Why would that ever be useful? I hated reading posts written by men that talked about how they thought women need to be subservient in order to be in their Divine Feminine. I felt they really had no right to define what “Divine Feminine” should look like as there are plenty of women already here to digest what we need and don’t need.
This year was a powerfully healing year for me and many life changing transitions took place in my life. I experienced one of the largest informational downloads I have ever received, the Divine Feminine started rushing Earth. It was a traumatic shift for me because I was functioning more in my masculine energy and always knew this because I was a “tomboy” growing up. It’s important to note that the feminine and masculine expressions we are discussing in this blog are not tied to genitals. It’s simply a processing system with characteristics we would consider feminine or masculine through our human programming, a branch of duality. They could also be called left brain versus right brain processing or yin versus yang. Spirit once explained that these were powerful reflections of duality, so although we can be both at different times as needed, we cannot be both at the same exact time. This is where the agreement and partnership comes into play. I didn’t love showing my body. I was a business owner and good with math, and I loved knowledge. I valued education, science, facts and statistical evidence. I am overprotective of my family and loved ones — all of these naturally being masculine qualities. But, now the Divine Feminine rushed Earth like a tsunami out for blood.
I was so used to being in control of my feelings, thoughts, messages and emotions that I didn’t think I would survive the transition. The Divine Feminine feels to its fullest capacity — deeper than I’ve ever felt. She speaks with her ancestors and she doesn’t need to make sense of it. She simply allows the message to flow, not restricted by the masculine desire for logic and rationalization. She feels sensually and dresses with deep love and admiration for her curves. She is inspiring, sensitive, creative, nurturing and powerful, a force to be reckoned with. She is deeply in tune and connected.
But I didn’t realize how far from her I was until she rushed through me during this gateway. In that moment I had to learn to observe everything in my environment differently, through the scope of the Divine Feminine. The challenging part of this was that the Divine Feminine never existed on Earth in a nurtured and supported way. She was killed, murdered, raped and abused for her feminine nature. So she was never safe to truly express herself.
In my emotional panic and despair I heard “surrender.” I didn’t know what that meant or who or what I was surrendering to, but I fought it until I could no longer fight it. I was in a parking lot, exhausted and crying in my car looking for answers.
Then I realized I needed to surrender my need for control — my need to have all the answers.
My need for life to make sense.
My need to understand every emotion.
My need to have a solid plan into the future.
My vision for my business.
I needed to release that all and surrender into the cosmic plan.
That is when I was able to step out of my exhausted state of fighting. I began my process of surrender.
Why is surrender important? In order to understand that we must understand the opposite of surrender, which is control.
The more we feel the need to control, the harder it is to surrender. Control looks different for everyone. I would never consider myself controlling because I don’t tell people what to do, or tell them what to eat, who they should be, nor do I expect obedience. I love being challenged and the growth that comes with meeting people as they are, in their full authenticity. Only by the act of deep surrender did I expose the many places I was over-controlling or attempting to control my life. I was so stuck on the future I saw that I didn’t leave space for that future to shift. I needed to understand every message as it came in, not seeing it as an act of restriction to the flow of the message if I simply let it be. I wanted the answers and directions. Instead I was not seeing that the lesson was actually in being present and submerging myself in the moment. I wanted clarity — not seeing that the clarity wasn’t an option and that it didn’t mean anything was wrong with me. I wanted everyone to be healthy but didn’t see that they fully control their own fate. I wanted life to be easy, yet we can’t control the cards we are dealt, only how we play them.
I had always seen surrender as “lazy.” To not have control over my life and know what to do with the information presented felt like something was missing.
I thought control was strength. But then I realized, control was fear.
I was afraid that if I didn’t control everything it would all fall apart around me, yet it was still falling apart and I was exhausted. Seeing life this way exposed some deep inner truths for me. If it was fear, why was I so afraid? I could not surrender, because I never felt safe. I could not surrender, because I didn’t know how to trust. I could not surrender, because my past experiences convinced me that surrender made me vulnerable.
Then it dawned on me, I didn’t hate the idea of surrender. I hated the idea that I was never given the option to be powerfully loved, protected, nurtured and appreciated simply for existing. I hated that I didn’t know my worth because so many people convinced me it was nothing and I would never be worthy of protection or love. I hated that I over-gave in a desperate attempt to show my worth and value to others. I hated that I had freely given my love and attention to so many people and so many of them had abused my kindness and heart. I hated that every time I put my guard down I was mistreated. I didn’t realize it, but I was guarded. Although I had done so much healing, I still had walls up around my heart from old wounds. I was feverishly trying to protect the extensive work I had done not wanting to let anyone in and ruin it. Only in surrender do we truly expose our fear of vulnerability.
We cannot heal in the same place or energy that destroyed us.
If we want to be divinely supported by the universe then we have to be ok releasing control and surrendering to the universe’s plan. And in order to do so, we must feel safe in expressing our Divine Feminine, which means we need a guide — a protector. We cannot be fully vulnerable while also creating our own walls. That is the purpose of the Divine Masculine.
Healthy surrender of the Divine Feminine is a choice. It’s an earned agreement and behavior. I have to have faith that the individual understands the responsibility I am bestowing on them.
That surrender is not weak, it’s the bravest form of vulnerability I can give by allowing the Divine Masculine to raise their walls around me so that I can connect into the deepest parts of universal knowledge, the deepest expression of universal love — trust and faith.
A divinely connected person fully understands this and will protect and defend that union with all their might. If they fail, then we must heal and try again. Why?
Because there is no life without universal love and there is no universal love without trust.
So even if it’s difficult, we risk it all to leap again by choosing someone worthy of our surrender. Many times the trauma is we chose wrong because our trauma patterns tricked us to settling for those who demanded surrender and could not earn it.
How do we know if and when surrender feels right? Because you feel safe and one would naturally respond to that feeling of safety by feeling able to dive deep into the cosmic wisdom of the universe, reconnecting with the depths of their being.
By surrendering and allowing ourselves to sink into the Divine Masculine’s energetic field to protect, lead, and guide us we are exposing our vulnerabilities and connecting to our highest form of our innate Divine Feminine expression, and is the most powerful way to heal childhood wounds that occurred from being neglected, abandoned, abused or unnurtured. It’s simply saying you are enough as you are and worthy of being nurtured, protected, and safe.
This dynamic can be played by anyone. Ideally, children would be raised in homes with Divine Masculine expressions who is/are supporting the children’s free expression, emotions, questions, curiosity and nurturing their growth by educating them. Sometimes it’s a parent, trusting friend, healer, partner or complete stranger that allows you to feel safe in exploring the depths of your subconscious.
The Divine Masculine’s role is to create a safe home with “walls of protection” for free expression.
Ideally, this dynamic would extend into the world through government structures and political bones as a safe place of expression and growth where education is the foundation of an evolved society.
Unfortunately, what we are used to seeing is a toxic masculine force where the masculine model in the home is more likely to be absent or forceful, demanding submission and obedience because they don’t have the tools or skill set to earn it.
The masculine as a whole has not healed from the wounds they carry and therefore remains a toxic expression for the most part. But the rise and integration of the Divine Feminine on Earth has started awakening and shifting the Divine Masculine as that’s how the natural art of duality responds.
To some, “safety” might sound insignificant. As someone who has had a very traumatic life of abuse, the moment I first felt safe was the most powerful moment in my life.
I was having a discussion and sharing information that made me anxious because it was authentic, transparent, and put me in a place of vulnerability — something I am not comfortable with. I had emotions surfacing that were difficult to understand in the multidimensional experience that is my gift structure. I was terrified to say how I felt, but knew that I had to as I was being guided by Spirit to express. I sent the message and nothing but panic overcame me. I regretted every moment of that message, until I got a response. The second that the response came I felt different without even reading the response.
Somewhere in the presence of that message I knew I was heard, respected and allowed to share — maybe even welcomed to share.
I was overcome with a powerful sense of peace.
My body became fully grounded, present, and clear. Then a sense of powerful and very new awareness overcame me that could help me dig deeper into my emotions, thus finding the clarity I was seeking without ever reading the message.
I responded to Spirit with, “What the fuck was that? What did he do to me!?”
Spirit said, “He made you feel safe.”
I thought, “That makes no sense, I’ve been safe before.”
They said “No, no you haven’t.”
And like a storm my life flashed before my eyes and I saw all the reasons I could never and have never felt safe.
Distrusting, lied to, manipulated, degraded, in survival mode, protecting my heart, beaten, humiliated, shamed, raped, judged, defending my emotions, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t “too much” and deserved a voice.
I realized not only had I never been safe, but I was functioning out of a desperate self-preservation that comes from needing people to acknowledge our worth in moments where we have put our life on the line for others.
That moment of peace was the clarity I needed to see the depths of my experience fully, deeply and powerfully. The safety I felt calmed my ocean enough to see to the depths of my reality and upheave everything that tried to convince me I wasn’t worthy of that safety, exposing any remaining victim based programming I was carrying from decades of abuse.
Like a cosmic reset button, I was different. Any remaining programs I had, didn’t have a chance.
So understand, it’s not a forced behavior. Surrender can never be and will never be demanded. That is abuse. Instead, it is a powerful divine trust in the universe, love, and the cosmic plan. It is the purest form of vulnerability and only the strongest souls have the courage to expose their authentic selves, allowing transparency for the world to see them — unafraid of judgment, and free of the need to control the response of others.
So, the Divine Feminine chooses “walls” to safely express all that in. And the being who has earned such a role must acknowledge and be understanding of the profound responsibility of such work and must match your power. If they don’t, they will become insecure and demand submission because they don’t know how to match your strength and therefore cannot continue the agreement in a healthy manner, through an equal display. Therefore, surrender is never achieved through abuse, nor should it ever be seen as a sign of weakness.
The act of surrender is the bravest thing any of us can do.
Copyright Protected Jessenia Nozzolillo 2022