By Jessenia Nozzolillo
No time like suicide awareness month to talk about suicide and how it presents in the grand scope of life planning. One of the most common questions I get is, “Will my or my loved ones go to hell if they commit suicide?”
The direct answer is no. But does that mean that it’s ok?
I am 34 years old. For much of my life, I hated myself, and everything life meant. I hated how cruel people were. I hated how very little love existed here on Earth, so much so I didn’t believe love existed at all. I thought it was a concept in movies and on tv, overdramatized dependence. Not love. I hated how people who claimed to be family and loved me, so easily abused me, as if I was nothing. Because of this, I didn’t want to be here. It made no sense to me, and I wanted nothing more than to leave. I remember my first suicidal thought at 5. How easy it might be to just walk in front of a train, get hit by a car, just not wake up.
Then, at 16, I found out I was creating a life inside of me. At that moment, I realized even if I didn’t think I was worthy of a good life, even if I didn’t care to fight for my healing. Even if it was a cruel world, I had a very important responsibility to give her the life I could not have, and that’s when everything changed for me. I started looking for reasons to live and ways to improve life, one small step at a time.
The more I healed, the less pain I carried, the more controlled I was in my gifts, the more beautiful the world and life felt.
I now look back at that version of myself and am SO THANKFUL that I held on and I saw it through.
If you would have told me at 16, I would be the person I am today and accomplish the things I have; I would have called you delusional and crazy!
Then a weird thing happened when I started my spiritual journey and tapped into my gifts INTENTIONALLY. I learned about reincarnation.
The first realization was that if we incarnate, then it doesn’t matter how many times we exit. We can always come back. So what exactly is the point here? Does any of this hard work matter? Did I fight for nothing? And in the middle of this all, I was pulling up shadow work from my abusive childhood and reviewing the overwhelming insistence that created me, one by one. I feel like I was losing the will to live again. It was different this time. I was aware that walking out wasn’t an option for me, I had to figure this out, but my emotions and the deep void I felt tried to convince me otherwise.
Now I understand the dangers of incorrectly surfacing shadow wounds. Shadow wounds are point of origin for the limited belief systems, traumas, and behavioral patterns that are blocking your growth. Shadow work is the process of going in to surface these incidents for the purpose of clearing them. These are overwhelming life-shattering moments that should be surfaced with an experienced/licensed expert. We surface the wound and very delicately be the love we needed saturating every moment with love, clarity, compassion, and healing. But most of us do not view our own wounds that way because we are directly tied to them. We often see ourselves as victims creating instead emotions of helplessness, despair, weakness, disempowerment, and sadness, or even dread. Then we don’t know what to do with all of this heavy emotion, so we aggressively repress it. That’s never going to be a solution.
If you are doing shadow work and not getting progressively better, you are not doing it right, and that is dangerous.
Additionally, you can, in fact, reincarnate 1,000 times plus! But you are still you! Your suffering follows! So when and if you do come back, you still have to work through the pain of the first life and then the second, and now the next. That isn’t a solution. It’s an intensely repeated pattern that can get worse as we reincarnate over and over again. There is no “contract,” but it takes thousands of souls to plan this life. This experience and spirit is not a fan of inefficiency that creates a lot of guilt for all of the beings that intricately planned this experience you simply chose to exit from.
If you suffered greatly, you still have lots of karmic debt your soul wants to clear. We are infinite beings! So if you don’t clear the debt here, we can carry it forever.
So the idea that suicide is a “free walk” or “kind exit” is false and to pursue or persuade people into exiting for their own good is really not congruent with the larger picture here. It instead shows lack of knowledge with the actual incarnation or life process.
If, at any given point, you feel like this world is not for you and you are overwhelmed in sadness, do what pulled me out of 16 years of depression and suicidal thoughts find one thing, only one thing worth fighting for, even if it’s not you. It could be one beautiful thing, one innocent thing, one precious thing, one memory; one is all it takes.
Remember, there IS ALWAYS BEAUTY AND LOVE IN THIS WORLD, but when we are deeply suffering, we have a hard time seeing it. Train your mind to see beauty and love first. It is possible! I am an example of this exact process.
I wish you love. I wish you hope. And when things feel dark, I hope you believe me when I say you are perfectly capable of accomplishing tremendous things, one small beautiful thing at a time.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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