by Jessenia Nozzolillo
I used to sacrifice myself for others all the time. If I’m being honest, I still do. Its been one of my hardest challenges and lessons in many lives! We feel like we have to help EVERYONE without boundaries or limitations, to the point that it starts draining us, exhausting us, and even making us feel bitter.
I remember when I began my healing process, my higher self gave me a couple of pointers that I thought were so valuable. So I will share. I hope it helps you on your journey as much as it did through my own.
1.) “Don’t give to others what you have not fully given to yourself first.” Many times in a sacrificial mindset, we truly didn't understand the dangers with constantly giving and never taking time to fill our own cup. This consistent sacrifice actually acts as energetic depletion and looks like “energetic suicide”--you give, without ever replenishing the vessel, then you put yourself in danger. Who are you going to help if there is nothing left to give?
2.) “No is not selfish. And anyone who thinks it is never had your best interests in mind.” This one was huge for me! As someone who suffered sexual and physical abuse as a child, I was trained never to say no. No was bad and would lead to severe punishments. This is why I now let my children speak their minds. I see how valuable it is to make them feel safe in expressing their fears and sharing their boundaries. Even if we don’t always recognize the point of their “tantrum,” it sets the stage for healthy verbal self-defense. Is it difficult? Hell yeah. People judge me all the time for not “controlling” my children and letting them be “explosive.” We talk about it. We understand it. We find peace with it. We respect their boundaries and need to express themselves, just like anyone else deserves the right to do so. Do not raise children afraid to say no and stand up for themselves, then wonder why on Earth they got into abusive relationships where they don’t have a say or voice. It is our ego that demands respect and obedience. Not our healing journey. Know the difference.
3.) “When you are healthy, full, and well, you can do more, help more, and reach more people!” This deeply resonated with me. I was in such a sacrifice pattern that the people around me were very quickly depleting me, which meant I could not be there for times/moments my loved ones and self truly needed me. I was failing the mission. There was no “expansion” and growth in this type of pattern. My health was declining. I couldn’t even protect myself! How would I ever have the strength to keep others well and healthy? If you don’t make time for health, your health will force you to make time for health! I was just barely struggling to survive. Your physical, mental, emotional health is important. Making that a priority means that you can reach more people and help more people in the end. Know that! Believe it. Use it to your advantage.
4.) “You can’t save or help people who don’t want to be helped. Additionally, they deserve the right to stay exactly where they are, because that was you at some point too. This is a journey, not a race. Just because you have figured it out doesn’t mean they are ready. And pushing that on them is just another form of judgment. Assuming they should be at a different place in their life before they are ready is in fact projecting judgment of your own growth onto others.” Judgment was a harsh lesson for me. I found many times where I was judging and didn’t even know it was a judgment. I realized that there were times in my life I felt stuck in a pattern, and many people judged me. It made me feel awful that I was repeating the pattern, and I couldn’t figure it out. It didn’t feel good. It’s an inspiring me to do better. And it made me feel alone. The only time I made a change was when I decided I was tired of my pattern! No one can be the catalyst of these deep emotions but you. And only you. So don’t expect to be that for anyone else.
5.) “Pity is disempowering.” We often use pity to show sympathy because we aren’t always sure how to relate to the deeply suffering. But there are other more evolved ways to connect to those who are suffering. Feel their story with them, be a witness to their experiences, ask to hold their hand or offer comfort, hear them fully, feel it with them fully, and remind them that they are safe. That somehow, regardless of all these experiences being so difficult, they are still here holding your hand, able to account for the story, and what a blessing it is to hear their story of triumph. Their experience is a conquest! They have overcome something many people cannot. They are here, surviving and continuing regardless. They are admirable! Powerful and strong. At that moment, we have the power to help them acknowledge that they are not a victim. They are a victor, and with that realization, they can become truly unstoppable. They may begin to realize the strength it took to overcome such an intense mission or conquest. They understand no one can stop them even if they have tried. They recognize their position as a warrior in this world, never as a victim. But also that it is ok to take time to rest and heal. All warriors have battle scars that need mending. Everyone deserves time to heal. That is our job as healers to empower people into the best possible version of themselves. Never to disempower. Our words matter. Do not bring up negative karma. Do not tell them they must have deserved it. Do not tell them their rapist was teaching them a lesson. Do not try to make sense of it for them. Just let them tell their story and be witness to it.
6.) “Equal energy exchange is what keeps energy infinite. It is the law of the universe. Rejecting equal energy exchange is, in fact breaking universal law. It is you decide you are not worthy of excepting what you give to others. This is a trauma response and wound. You will not let yourself receive, even if the universe knows you are worthy.” Not only are we not accepting energy in sacrifice mindset, we REJECT it. We reject the universes support and blessings. We reject support from the collective and God itself. Why? It’s a trauma response. You sacrifice because you truly deeply somewhere in your energy, believe you are not worthy of good things, happiness, balance, comfort, love, deep profound peace, or pleasure. You feel guilty. If you can’t recognize the point of guilt in this life, it could have very well originated in a past life. I very frequently call sacrificial patterns the “Jesus wound.” I call it this because the more I work with Jesus and reconnect to his experience in his form, I realized the reason he is so deeply tied to humanity. He once told me that he disliked the Bible. I thought, “Why!?! That doesn’t make sense to hate a book that glorified you!” And he said something along the lines of, “My goal was never glory. I wanted to heal, help and teach. But in my passing, people recounted my work with their own biases and interjections, and my work was the basis of the murder and torment of billions. I know it was not directly my fault, but it’s been a difficult thing to forgive and release.” This is the largest guilt humanity has seen! The greatest feeling of “debts” one could possibly feel. Feeling responsible for the deaths and endless wars that have ravaged our world since the story of Jesus, one he has been working to fix it ever since! Part of that healing was the information he helped me remember for the book “Creation.” Hoping to teach, heal and awaken the population with the spiritual knowledge needed to replace some of the toxicity in the Bible and bring back healing to Earth, helping him and hopefully the world find peace. Recognize the trauma response and heal so that you can receive.
7.) “Give only if you never expect anything in return from others. Do the “right thing” because it is a part of your character and purpose. Not because you expect to be acknowledged for it.” This was one that got my ego to a degree because I was taught that people should always say thank you, and I felt taken advantage of when people always needed things from me, but it felt like when I needed something, no one was there for me. My higher self pointed out that I wouldn’t be mad at them if I had given these things to myself. For example, feeling panicked and stressed in the morning trying to get four kids ready for school on my own, feeling defeated alone, and stressed. —> Solution, creating a routine where everyone knows their responsibility, had their items picked out and packed the night before, has alarms set, and is well-rested. The more we work for the solution, the less angry we feel when things are chaotic and out of control. I can create order and control in my space and life. It is my responsibility to create a schedule that works for me. And if I don’t, I will continue to feel stressed, resentful, and like I have no help. I will continue to blame my environment and others I feel have made this day more difficult. I have not made time for a solution and therefore feel like there is nothing I can control here, so I blame others. I feel like I just need more outer support. Many times, we demand things from others that we can easily do for ourselves. Demanding things from others or even expecting them is assuming they function like you or owe you a specific response, and that will always lead to disappointment. If I learn to make time for the things I need in my life, not expecting certain responses and acknowledgment from others, I know if and when my support is needed from others. I have a clearer understanding of what I should be doing for others or what I can instead teach them to do for themselves — meaning I am no longer functioning in sacrifice; I am TEACHING them how to do it themselves and understanding the results are entirely their responsibility. The reward is not that I will get anything out of it, but that someone is now hopefully living a better life with a skill they received from me and that skill, a part of me, lives on through them and the people they teach. A continuation of the energy. Contagious growth, never dependence. This brings us to the originating wound, feeling you are valuable because people demand your time. This is a sacrifice wound. In healing, we recognize that dependence is not healing. We should teach, not do for others what they can easily do for themselves. This wound is usually tied to the fear that if people don’t need us, they will abandon us, and our value is tied directly to what we do and offer them. I sometimes call this pattern the “slave and master” mindset. The master needs the slave to do for them what they refuse to do for themselves. And as long as the slave complies, the slave has a place in this world. Heal by recognizing you are no one's servant and that your value is not based on what you do for others. You simply are valuable and have always been. You are not a servant of others, not even your God. You are a valuable member of the collective, and your health, wants, and needs are valuable and NECESSARY! DO NOT DENY THE WORLD OF YOUR LIGHT. We need it!
Which one of these did you need the most today?
Copyright Protected Jessenia Nozzolillo 2021
Art credits: My bleeding heart by RUN-StreetArt on DeviantArt