By Jessenia Nozzolillo
“LOVE HURTS” is a dangerous and uninformed concept. We so comfortably accept this notion every time we break up with someone, every time we are hurt, every time we struggle in relationship. But, love can never hurt. In fact, love is the only thing in all of Creation that can never hurt. It’s also the only thing on this Earth and all of Creation strong enough to heal pain. So why do we so readily leap to the concept that “love hurts” and why is that so dangerous?
It’s a dangerous notion because we can get caught up in the web of self-destruction and sabotage by continuously expecting our loved ones to hurt us, disappoint us, or not prioritize us while never fully understanding that love was never “hurt.” These moments are actually trauma responses and can be repaired.
Loss hurts. But loss is nothing but an illusion played by the human mind who believes in time and “end.” Lies hurt. Betrayal hurts. The “cold shoulder” hurts. Miscommunication hurts. Manipulation hurts. Infidelity hurts. But none of those are love. All of those are festering wounds standing in the way of love’s expression that are keeping one from feeling and being love itself.
If we acknowledge that love should never and can never hurt, maybe we would be more cautious when we found pain in our relationships. Maybe we would tread lighter when we felt wounded and focus on the origin of that wound. Maybe we would understand jealousy and the need for control better. Maybe we would focus instead on the wound that caused the pain and the wound we are responding to! Imagine this kind of world?
It also means more complicated things like knowing when to let go. Consider this, if I truly love someone, then love is liberation. Healthy parents know when it’s time to let their children go, fly the nest, and be functional adults. If I loved someone with purity then it means I can acknowledge when I’m no longer good for them and need to release them in hopes that they find what they need. This might mean we grew apart, chose different roads, have different goals. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving them. It just means I loved them so much that I was able to liberate them and allow them to take their road knowing that is truly what was best for them. The pain is in the feeling of loss or grief. Grief is selfish! Let me explain. Selfishness is a part of the human condition. We will always grieve a loss. The more dependent on them we were, the more we grieve that loss! As a mother, our dependence might take place in the expectations, visions and memories we were planning and working for. It’s the life we imagined them having. That can only really be about us because it’s a life we chose not a life they chose. Grief is important to the healing process and I don’t think loosing a child will ever get easier for anyone. It is the worst trauma I have seen and is why I volunteer time to help grieving parents. It’s just an example of why it hurts so much. But the love never hurt. The love is what keeps us going, fills our heart, and awakens our soul. The grief is the pain.
If we are aware of this, we will see any and all disruptions, or pains, as a lesson that can be unwrapped and understood versus just assuming love is supposed to hurt and relationships should be painful to make sense. Remember, if it’s causing pain then it’s not love. There is something there obstructing love.
Copyright protected 2023 Jessenia Nozzolillo